Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
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Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Respect
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Y’all know who you are.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.