Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
You Might Also Like
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
britain’s three elite institutions
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
anyone else like Italian cereal
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”