why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
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“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
this is 10/10 content no notes
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.