Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
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If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Cat is stressing him out.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*