Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
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If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
May have had one breakfast too many
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.