Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
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[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Boom, boom, ching!
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!