Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
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“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.