Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
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You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK