why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
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Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Uh oh…
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend