Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
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CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille