Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
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I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.