WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
You Might Also Like
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick