WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
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I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.