Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
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Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
When I laugh on my period
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
The funk soul brother
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat