@mcdadstuff

Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.

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@UncleBob56

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

@stevevsninjas

Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*

@PleaseBeGneiss

it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher

@Tmoney68

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

@alextranquada

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

@CulturedRuffian

[INTERVIEW]

HR: What are your strengths?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

HR: Wow-Weaknesses?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

@TheThomason

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

@StarWarsProblms

Qui-gon: You will give me the parts

Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks

Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?

Watto: I will give you the parts

@MikeDrucker

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

@FinallyHeSleeps

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.