Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
You Might Also Like
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!