[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
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I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.