Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us

ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time

Cowboy: ok cool

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.

Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.

I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”

Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!

My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.

what my late-night hot pocket sees

tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes

FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are

me: this is my horse, mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.

I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.

I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.