WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
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My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”