wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
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After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
(True)
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.