Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
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Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
My typo game is string.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
WHY?!
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.