Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
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[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
This will never not be funny 😭
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.