wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
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My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”