Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
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Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Science memes
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”