wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
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I have written yet another poem about laundry
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry