Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
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At least my masseuse has my back.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Okay
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.