Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
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I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
look at me when i’m typing to you