*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
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Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Print is alive and well!!!
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa鈥檚 ex-boyfriends.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn鈥檛 any space left for me to sign it
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh鈥orry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
I love the honesty
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
You can鈥檛 stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You鈥檒l count syllables
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 馃槀馃槀馃槀
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I鈥檓 gonna need to see your medical records.
It鈥檚 not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
It鈥檚 funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must鈥檝e looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
馃槕