wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
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*seductively peels off lederhosen
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Never let them know your next move 😂
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
If you breakdance you buy dance.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email