[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
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A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
The glory of fall.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.