WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
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[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…