Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
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INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.