Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
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If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips