Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
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Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
just pretend nothing happened
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.