wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
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I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Sorry not sorry.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?