Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
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When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
still the best tweet of the year by far
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
blocked.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
nobody’s gonna understand
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for