WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
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Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
I feel seen
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
i could never be president. im overqualified.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.