WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
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The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Lol.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo