wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
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[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
what’s really going on
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is