@RodLacroix

Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?

Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?

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@DearAnyone

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

@Matt_The_1st

Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me

@LemmingDad

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

@caliluvgirl77

Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN

Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR

@AndyRichter

If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth

@robdelaney

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

@Up2Long

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.