Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?

Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?

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my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh


If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.


i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy


FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner


How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.


Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.


I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.


“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”


Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them