@DearAnyone “Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
@RodLacroix Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
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@DearAnyone 
@Matt_The_1st Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
@XplodingUnicorn 5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
@LemmingDad When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
@caliluvgirl77 Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
@AndyRichter If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
@robdelaney Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
@Up2Long I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
@impJOKER Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
@pondermymaker Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.