@sweetmomissa my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
@RodLacroix Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
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@sweetmomissa 
@seamusmckracken If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
@lizzzzzielogan i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
@ArfMeasures FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
@SkinnerSteven If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
@Jazzzzzmina How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
@13spencer Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
@_wangwe I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
@byjoelanderson “See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
@garrydavenport Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them