“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
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Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.