Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
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I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.