@RodLacroix

Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?

Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?

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@sweetmomissa

my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh

@seamusmckracken

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

@lizzzzzielogan

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

@ArfMeasures

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

@Jazzzzzmina

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

@13spencer

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

@_wangwe

I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.

@byjoelanderson

“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”

@garrydavenport

Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them