Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
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[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”