Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
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The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Thursday
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!