[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
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Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
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Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.