Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
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[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
My safe word is Worcestershire
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.