[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
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I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.