[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
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[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Fidel Castro was alive?
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”