wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
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I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
water it, i dare you
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
real
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
I feel it
Cat is stressing him out.