Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
You Might Also Like
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
U talkin 2 me?
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.