[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
You Might Also Like
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.