wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
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My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
I’m good, thanks.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”