wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”

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Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.


Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks


Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?


I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.


Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what


I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.


5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.


So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap


Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?

Me: Yes, Your Majesty.

Judge: Your Honor.

Me: Oh, Thank you….


1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.