Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
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Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
it was a valiant fight
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.